Hearts set on a pilgrimage

Some of us are gypsies. Our hearts are restless, never settled. We are often scolded and looked down upon as "irresponsible".  Some people think we have a fear of commitment because we move a lot. I think its one thing to be settled in who you are and your being - and its another to be settled in a location. They arent the same thing.

I have never been able to sit still very well for long. I can't help it. Ive got a traveling bug in my veins - and I'm thinking there's no cure.   The american dream is what tells people to "settle" down. To stay in the same place, keep the same job for many years. All of this sounds like a death sentence to me.  I wasnt created to work 9-5 my entire life.  Let's face it, most people hate their lives because they do things they dont even enjoy.  God didnt intend for us to live like this. And yet how often we settle! Well, I'm not ok with this. And so I pursue a different way.

And while we are on it...Being a gypsie or a nomad demands we have live a radical lifestyle.  With that radical lifestyle, comes a radical faith we must hold on to.  Responsibility (or fear as I think) says we always have to have everything in order before we do anything rash or crazy.  Where does this give room to let God be supernatural? it doesnt. We want the control.    Those of us who are willing to live outside the box are often judged as being flighty or flaky.   We just know our own comforts aren't going to cut it. And there's a Higher Power in control of our steps, finances and relationships.

I think theres a little gypsie in everyone. May you find the pilgrim within that is constantly on the move, evolving, and searching for the higher calling.

You ever feel like...

I live surrounded by people who have no idea what the truth is but I can see it..Its hard for me to understand how people can be so blind. But really we just shut ourselves down and become numb to things.
But for some reason - I am different. Somehow I can see. Even just the little that it is I do see.
I spend time with people almost on a daily basis who have NO clue who I am. They probably  think I'm this quiet, (sometimes sarcastic) girl and wife of Miles. Probably not much more than that. im sure people dont think it further then that. But there's so much more.. And I cant share it.

Sometimes I just wanna stand up for myself and show who I really am. But is that necessary? I dont know.
People who really know me - know that I'm a seer. I see things about everyone I meet. I know things about people. I can't really help it. Sometimes I know way more than I care to.  It's kind of comical to me that everyone I live around has no idea how much I really know about them (Bwahaha.) I feel like this complete secret - a total mystery. Maybe these certain people will never know, I dont know. I cant separate who I am from the seeing. they go together.  I'm not sure how to even act normal without using the gift - cause I'm not using it right now. People read me as all the things Ive already blogged about "depressed, angry, etc". But its really more about whats going on in my mind, and in the spirit. It's heavy out there. People just like to sugar coat it all and pretend that everything is ok. But I know that its not. I can see it.

I wonder what people would do if they really saw who I was. I wonder if they would freak out....Or think I'm in need of psychiatric help or something. Either way - I'm tired of being silent.  Here's to hoping for the days of being ME - fully.

sick of church

People often find it odd that I say I love Jesus with a radical passion, and yet I don't go to church. Maybe it seems like a little contradictory.  But hear me out... in the New Testament the church of Jesus hung out at people's homes. They lived like a community. They loved and cared for one another. They fed and clothed one another when it was needed.  Church wasn't reduced to a service where people gathered, sang 3 fast songs two slow...there was an offering given and then one man preached only.

I know it sounds awful to some who might read this, but something inside of me tells me we are missing out on a lot....that there are great and wonderful things that just aren't present in most church services.  I'm not saying I want to abandon christians.  I just want COMMUNITY - not a program.

I have lived my entire life in church. I know the program down to a T.  Lets just be honest here - anyone who goes to church knows this program...and lets just be honest again - its mostly boring.  But, people feel the need to continue going because thats what makes them "Christian".   Someone asked me recently why I didn't go to church anymore. I said - "Well, you give me one scripture that says I have to go to a building made of stone every week on sunday morning at 10 am and I'll go back". They looked at me, and said "ok, you have a point."


I know people would say I'm being judgmental - but really I'm not.  Some people do like it. And I pass no judgment.  But I'm asking for the same. Besides,  I've been there, enjoyed it - liked it. But I'm not in that place anymore. I don't enjoy it.  I don't like it.  And I'm sure there will be a lot of Christians who agree with me- they just wont admit it. But going to church doesn't make you a christian - so it should work in reverse I'd think.

I would like to get involved in some sort of house church group. I just have yet to find the people I would like to do this with. Most of the people I've come into contact here profess Jesus but dont live with any sort of fire in their hearts. And really I dont want to spend my time with people like that. Most people who go to church have a  desire somewhere in their hearts for the Lord but yet have not encountered the Flame as He is.  So their lives go un-changed and they all just keep going to a building we call church. Even though the church is not a building.  The real church of God will always change you.  I am looking for people  who share my passion. Or even people who just have the desire to HAVE passion. Thats all that really counts anyway.

I am hungry for a reformation.  I want to see a true Church emerge. People who are filled with the love of Jesus, who know His voice and walk in the power of His name. I want to see an entire "Church" of people go out preaching the Kingdom of God- its not just about one man or one woman.  I am interested in a movement that consumes everything... not just sunday morning.

Things are hardly ever what they seem

It's funny how people think their perception of you is right.  But things are never what they seem. Most people tend to view me as mean, shy, judgemental, and my favorite "depressed".  I'm really not any of these things. I mean, I've had my moments in all those moods like anyone - but I dont walk around like that all the time
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People perceive me as depressed probably the most often because of the way I act and look. I am reserved, and I don't say much.  I value the importance of a word and dont believe in throwing them around just so people hear me.   Besides that, I am a person who carries a burden. I am a person who has encountered the heart of God.  He not only shares His love and joy with me - He shares his sorrow and distress as well.  I am moved and deeply grieved by the sin of others.  More than any thing I am grieved by the sin and hypocrisy that is found in the walls of the church.  Everything is always so sugar coated to look better then it is.  I dont see things with rose colored glasses.  Things need to change and they need to change NOW!

Moving to the Bible Belt has been very hard on me. I see and know many many people who go to church on a weekly basis, have some sort of moral code - but they lack any real and true intimacy with Jesus. There is no understanding that to know and love Jesus is to have a life consecrated to Him in holiness.
Life with Jesus is messy. It should confront your soul. It should challenge you to come up higher every day.  The word of the Lord should be getting under your skin and drawing you closer. But most people are content to just go to church and proclaim Jesus as Savior. And that's it.This is a great and deep grievance to the Holy Spirit. I can barely stand the small portion I can personally detect from His heart concerning these kinds of people. And man they are everywhere.

So maybe I am a little intense. I cant help that - it's me. I see things for what they are. Even if I only see them in a small measurement.  Im not ok with how the world is or how the church is.  I fully intend on being someone who offends people often. and I'm ok with that.